♪ odi et amo ®

Yesterday.. uhm, some days ago, an old friend buzzed me on YM and asked abt my Dad. To be honest, it is my banned subject, I hate discussing abt it. So I said, my Dad got sick one year ago and you haven’t known that until now then it’s nothing changes if you could pretend you’ve never ever heard abt that, as well. She agreed.

Some people usually ask abt my Dad when they meet me somewhere, my answer has never changed “Nothing good, nothing bad. Normal” - Normal, normal, normal - it’s my response to all questions whenever I feel bored and don’t want to continue the conversation.

How are you? - Normal. How’s ur work? - Normal. How’s ur weekend? - Normal. Is there something new? - No. Normal… blablabla..

After Independence day, my life is freezing. I have no feelings abt everything around me. My work is fucking boring - we only do some works in the morning and then, watching the silent market with no responses. I patiently brought my laptop to office surfing web, FB and chatting with my friends. Then she gave up her job and back to home, I have no reasons to bring laptop with me, I put it home.

I could see I don’t have any passions to go to work (or live ass well) anymore but I also don’t want to stay at home. I don’t have that pride. I feel a hole in my heart but don’t know how to fulfill it. It’s look like my energy’s gone day by day to zero. I, even, have never ever tried to give it a damn. I likely to ignore myself, my life, my work and pass my day like a robot. Every night, I go to bed after pushing myself suck into some romantic movies or novels - till my head is fuzzy and I could not recognize anything clear.

I am now easy to get angry but also very quick, say to myself “what’s up? Why do I have to?” Then I ignore that… 

I don’t know the reason for me to live like that - just some “dying period” in my life. I know I will get well soon. It comforts me sometimes..

Now, someone, you could send me SMS and blame me by your fucking words - I am happy to receive. What’s make you angry with me? I live my life in my way, I take care and protect my people in my way. Anyway, it’s my life.. You, bastard, are better to live your damn life, rather than put your nose to others’ business.